.::-:The Den of the Last Angel:-::.

Today and Tomorrow

My mind;
Programmed
"Look to the future"

A new idea
"Live for today"
contradicting
constricting

Destroying what I thought I knew
Perhaps the only thing

Bleak psychology
A mind game
a trap
Unforeseen by anyone

Spontaneity 
Today

Conservation
Tomorrow

Torn between both.

Which road will I take?

Regrets & Hate

Time is supposed to heal me
I'm still in to fight my pain
For a way out 
From my own mistakes
But it's not so easy to forgive and forget

I want to say I'm over you
But I think you should know

I stay up at night and imagine you in my pain
I secretly hope you hurt as much as me
And as much as I did when it was over

I don't think about you as often as I bet you hope I do
Only when I see you does my heart flare up with

Anger 
Nausea
Hate and 
Regret

Regret for having you in my life

I'm above no one and if I'm the lowest of the low
if it gets me where I want
Then that's all I need

No... I don't regret it.

You took away my confidence
The strength to stand alone
But when you pushed me down the weaker path
The stronger I have grown

No, I don't forgive you
When you hurt me, you hurt yourself
A black-listed bastard waste-of-space

And if you think that it's settled and gone
This heart
This mind
And soul
They're not done.

And if I dwell on you
I find myself working
to spite you. 
Make you realize what you've lost.
This love
This heart and mind and soul
Come at much too high a cost for you to buy

Don't waste your time
Don't hold me up
Don't waste my time

I can't forgive
I can't forget
What you did to me
From the day we met

A manipulation, a spider's web
You made me something I wasn't
But now, I'm only myself
And that will be all I need.

Her Thoughts

Bored with life
What's the point?
Am I looking in too deep?
I'm complicated.
Sure.

I don't wanna live if I don't have my knowledge.

I find that life needs reason.
Life needs rhyme.
Without both, I feel
you know...
Like nothing's in place.

I'm a hypocrite.
Looking for spontaneous and organized in the same life
Looking to the ugliness that is humanity and beauty in the same world.
Trying to have jagged edges and perfect frills

Am I just indecisive?
Or is that just the depth of how people think?

*brushes away cobwebs*

I'm starting my poetry thing again.

I get the feeling I need this a lot more than I think  I do and if you've ever seen my backpack, losing a notebook with poetry in it is like breathing. Pretty damn easy.

So I'll start tonight with a new poem of spectacular preportions!!! Or whatever pops into my head first!

*sigh*

Still at camp. Uber-bored.

Everone else is busy playing JKA (which I just now realized is REALLY amusing to watch), so I'm basically alone in this sad, cold, dank computer room.

Well, not really.

It's kind of warm, everyone's happy, and it's really bright due to flourescent lighting.

If there are any typos, I'll correct them later when I'm not in a public area.

Okay, so my love life is almost as active as a hibernating animal.

If I don't get a BF by sumemr's end, then I decided to give up dating until I'm 16.  Well, I've already gotten one since I started the pact, but I decided recently to make it more specific and say that the relationship must last a minimum of 2 weeks. 

All of the guys here are ... well, they have at least some redeeming quality (some more than most) and they're almost ALL taken, ESPECIALLY all the one's I've been targeting as a potentiial "bf". 

It's really depressing two because they're all so nice and they all have such great senses of humor. 

basically, I'll just come out, be a bitch and say that it's not fair to me. 8 cute guys. One girl. No single guys. 

What kind of life is this?

Did I really deserve this sort of thing and if so,, I'll do almost anything to repent. Except maybe give up my sarcasm or most of my material objects. 

I'd even start TRYING to be nice to people I utterly despise.

But now, I'm starting to think that I shouldn't bother trying to 'repent' and change myself so that pther people will like me.  But it just doesn't seem like there are any guys who want someone like me.

If I had a religious bone in my body, I'd go run off and become a nun so then I wouldn't have to worry about this shit./ I could just run around in my black clothes and pray my life away.

But that's really not the life for me. 

I want to live as I am and be happy with myself as a normal person. Well, maybe not so normal. ;D

But if I go my whole life and take the role of the 'cute younger sister' of every guy, I may as well just kill myself.

It's not like I need a man in my life to keep moving forward, but I'm basically a failure at everything else and maybe if I could succeed at this ONE thing, I wouldn't feel so awful about myself or anything I do.

I feel depressed now and I should probably go change and brush my teeth. Oyasumi.

Scratching of pencil on paper
With the power to make something beautiful appear in its wake
As the images flourish on a sheet of paper
A vivid ideal begins to turn over in my mind

The depth of pouring one's soul to a page
And the shallowness of the billionths of an inch the thickness of it was

Ordinary lines merge and become the extraordinary
Becoming what they will
And becoming something (even if unintentional)

The simple elegance that bleeds from a drawing
Of only paper
And only pencil

becomes perfection in your eyes

Today's Poem...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The hollow clatter of an empty locker's door
The empty hallways with no resounding footsteps
The bland classrooms without decorations or books

The warmth of the social world
As absent from the halls as a sick child at home

No rustling of papers
Complaints about due dates
slamming of locker doors
Or "No running in the halls!"

No more recycled fries [1] that taste like wet cardboard
No more gossip that is stocked in more quantity than library books
No more secrets whispered from ear to ear between classes
No more.

The disappearance of life seems to vanish at the source
'Real' life begins in the classroom
Where knowledge is abundant
As is drama and suffering

The end of the year
Like a sad song through your headphones
The summer sunlight evaporates your salty tears
and your memories

Both good and bad

Are left behind in an empty locker
~~~~~~~~~~~

[1] At our school, whatever fries aren't eaten on Tuesday are reheated and served on Thursday. Nasty, huh? (they aren't any good to begin with.)

Poem for today. About my friend.
~~~~~~~~

Speaking so loud
So fast without breathing
Not sure how you do it
Somehow, I'm jealous

That you're so unable 
To keep your mouth shut
And that you're able
to disturb whatever unfortunate citizens
are standing in a one-block radius

A thousand eyes on only us
As your words pierce the cool collected mumbles of the town
There is no silence as long as your presence exists
How creepy that I've written a poem like this.
~~~~~~~~~~~

I couldn't think of anything else. Because I was bored and my friend who I almost never see was here to visit. so I decided to write this.

Written for the end of the year. I still don't want to give my speech in class. *cries*

~~~~~~~~~~~

When the end is coming
Something beautiful is beginning
The rose is dying and in its place
A more beautiful blossom than before unfurls its petals

As you say goodbye for the final time
You know that nothing's really going to end
The beginning of a new story's just around the corner
With just a simple flip of the pages,
A world imbued in words awaits

A wonderful future is just up ahead
Even if it's blurring in your vision
if you just walk forward
Your scenery clears and focuses
and the further up ahead becomes sharpens

The sun is filling the cyan sky
Soft, air-puffed clouds that drift so free on the open breeze
Even after a stabbing wound of 'farewell' impaling your heart
The day's warmth begins to dry your tears
The wind begins to pick up the brittle fragments of dusty sorrow from the bottom of your heart
To carry them far away from you

So far away is your past
But some parts are so clear, they become your present
they become who you are
They appear as your memories
And shape who the person you aspire to become

A ticking clock
A beating heart
A scale from one to ten
How do you measure your emotions
if you don't even know what you're feeling?

Is the ending to your story
Bitter-sweet and forlorn?
Beautifully tragic?
Cheery and humorous?
A mix of the above?

What kind of impression will you leave
as your footsteps lead away from where you start?

Today's poem

Btw, I have NEVER watched How to Lose a Guy in 10 days, so I have NO idea what I'm saying.
~~~~~~

How to lose a guy in 5 days
A tutorial by Saigo_Tenshi

Step one:

Pour your heart and soul into a relationship that will never go 
Further than if you tried to throw a 6 ton boulder.

Step two: 

Believe in the unreal. Breathe it in and it becomes your reality
Or so I believed.
but such was simple deceit.

Step three:

Throw away your pride
like a tattered rag doll
Like you're ready to 'grow up'
As if you know what 'grow up' means

Step four:

Ignore your friends' advice
Forget their wisest words
And enter a world
Where solitude and ecstasy merge
beneath a blanket of lies

Step five:

Let him control you
Use you and 
Dominate you
until his ex comes back

That is how to lose a guy in five days.

Haha. My second relationship, down the drain in less than five days. Aren't I sad?

LOL.

I probably should be upset and crying, but somehow, I'm not all that depressed about it.

But I guess if I'm this levelheaded about it, it wasn't a good fit, right?

Anyway, I was kind of expecting after I heard that he was using me to make his ex jealous.

I'm okay with it, but if I see them together, I'll rip off that ugly bleach blonde hair out of her scalp in clumps and cram them down his throat.

I'm not going to let someone use me without painfully severe punishment.

I seriously need to stop listening to Kelly Clarkson.

"Never Again" is permanently burned into my brain in the most painful aspect. It always has to relate to me right after I have some sort of relationship crash... It's really depressing.

On a lighter note, I feel like taking a bath with rose petals, like Nana Ep. 22 (I think). Too bad I don't have a Ren, Nobu, Shin or Yasu on hand. That'd make it a bit better. Lol. *depressed*

-.-'l| <-- I made this one up. I think it's original, ne? Because I haven't seen it anywhere else. It's cute. It has the little dread lines!

I need to get more sleep, so I think I might take a nap soon, even though I have to have the last four stanzas of the Raven memorized by tomorrow.

My heart's beating so fast. I almost didn't make my poem deadline. I was off by ONE minute. Wow

Anyway, today, I feel like my self-esteem has fallen to the bottom of a deep crevasse. 

I look in the mirror and I see someone that no one would ever want to be with, romance-wise or anything similar.

I'm not sure how I manage to be so disgusting, but I'm making a resolution.

I've been reading Beauty Pop recently and I've been thinking about how I'm like that one girl, Ayumi or whatever in the bonus story in book 3.

I don't have anyone specific I want to be beautiful for (Even though I should do it for my boyfriend...), but I want to give myself a fighting chance when it comes to guys. I feel so stupid writing this, but it's completely true.

I'm so unnattractive, it even hurts ME to look in a mirror.

Speaking of  manga characters I relate to, I also quite relate to Sunako Nakahara of The Wallflower or Perfect Girl Evolution.

I'm beginning to wonder if I should just go back into the darkness... Just like her...

I am probably the most hopeless cause to exist. Sunako's a billion times more beautiful than me. Not even the cissors Project could make me beautiful.Well, maybe. But they don't exist so...

Also lately, I think I want to cut my hair. The problem is, the fact that I need it for cosplay later, so if I cut it now, it probably won't grow out come Kumoricon.

Like, my hair is probably my best feature and I'm just kind of sick of its length and the problem of trying to take care of it all the time. 

Not only that but I have more split ends than a dying, malnourished kid in Africa (Not to make any political drabble). 

I just feel really depressed with low self-esteem. The only time I can really look in the mirror and feel beautiful is right after I exersize, but maybe it's because I'm too fatigued to look in the mirror properly?

I dunno. I wish I looked more like... Utada-sama or Nana Kitade. they're both so pretty! Oh, and maybe Mika Nakashima and Yuna Ito, but not Ayumi Hamasaki. She's a slut. 

But I guess it's all airbrushed, right? And that I'm beautiful naturally?

I'm not sure. But I do kind of look like Utada-sama on the cover of Ultra Blue ^^; Maybe that's just my opinion.

List of things I want to change and can change

• Skin color. I want to be paler, so I'll stay inside more often and maybe use some of that weird cream that removes skin pigment? (It sounds kind of unhealthy...)
• Eye color. I could wear contacts, but I'm not sure what color eyes I'd want. I'd probably end up with theatrical contacts because I've got typical asian eyes that are basically black, so normal contacts wouldn't work so well.
•  Waist size. I should exersize more. I already have a 26" waist, but I'm aiming for at LEAST 25.5" if I get any thinner than that, then I'll be ecstatic.
• Thigh thickness. I was really scared. I measured the widest part of my thighs and I found out they're only like... 4" short of being my waist size!!!! AHHH! I need to exersize more! *Watches Sailor Moon episodes 3-6*
• Body hair ratio. My arms are sooo disgustingly hairy. And I have DARK hair, so the only way to hide it is long sleeves. *cries* I don't know whether to shave it off or take a few years to pluck it, but it's so ugly!!!!
• Wardrobe. I'm not going to change my all-black wardrobe I wear constantly, but I might want to go DIY punk or I've been considering goth/punk/wa-loli. I'm not sure which one though. Ero-loli? (j/k. me in revealing outfits = eye-bleedage)
• Butt size. Eww! Even if I tense the muscles, it still manages to jiggle! But hey, at least it's more healthy looking that Beyonce or Shakira *just watched Beautiful Liar on MTV* When they jiggle, it's really creepy. *goes to exersize*
  
  Things I wouldn't change about myself (for a self-confidence boost)
  
• My hair. It's long, silky, black and shiny.
• My foot size. Sure, I only wear a size 5 womens, but it's a memorable feature and everyone has something to say about them.
• My chest. There's something comforting about having a 34" chest that makes me feel better. Not like I show it off constantly. I usually hide it under a really baggy sweatshirt, really. But it's kind of like... a baby blanket that you keep for comfort that you're too embarassed to drag around in public. (lol. What a weird simile)
• My calves. They're really nice and to proportion and the easiest part of my leg to shave. If only everything ABOVE the knee was so smooth and pretty. -.-;
• My personality. Of course, I'm mean, sarcastic, bitchy and cynic with a blunt and pessimistic sense of humor, but acting that way has gotten me some really close friends and some great enemies and rivals who constantly inspire me to become better than they are! Yosh! I'll kill them! *The power of youth compels me*
• My sense of fashion. Seriously. I think one of my best features is my modesty. Now that it's hot outside, the girls at school are starting to dress all slutty and it's really gross. Especially since some of them can't pull it off. It's also kind of sad that they think they NEED to show that much skin for attention.
• My self-confidence in things other than my body. I know that every day, I can walk into class and pass every test thrown at me. I know that every day, I can piss off every prep with a few sentences.
• My voice. Some people think I sound annoying when I talk (And I do kind of), but I think I sound good when I sing. I'm not saying American Idol good, but good for someone born with no real latent abilites.
• My ability to draw. I could be better, but I mean, I'm still pretty good.

That's really it. Now that I feel a bit better, there's nothing that can stop me. 

Lol. I love Shin-chan. *Watching it now*