.::-:The Den of the Last Angel:-::. - Meh...

My heart's beating so fast. I almost didn't make my poem deadline. I was off by ONE minute. Wow

Anyway, today, I feel like my self-esteem has fallen to the bottom of a deep crevasse. 

I look in the mirror and I see someone that no one would ever want to be with, romance-wise or anything similar.

I'm not sure how I manage to be so disgusting, but I'm making a resolution.

I've been reading Beauty Pop recently and I've been thinking about how I'm like that one girl, Ayumi or whatever in the bonus story in book 3.

I don't have anyone specific I want to be beautiful for (Even though I should do it for my boyfriend...), but I want to give myself a fighting chance when it comes to guys. I feel so stupid writing this, but it's completely true.

I'm so unnattractive, it even hurts ME to look in a mirror.

Speaking of  manga characters I relate to, I also quite relate to Sunako Nakahara of The Wallflower or Perfect Girl Evolution.

I'm beginning to wonder if I should just go back into the darkness... Just like her...

I am probably the most hopeless cause to exist. Sunako's a billion times more beautiful than me. Not even the cissors Project could make me beautiful.Well, maybe. But they don't exist so...

Also lately, I think I want to cut my hair. The problem is, the fact that I need it for cosplay later, so if I cut it now, it probably won't grow out come Kumoricon.

Like, my hair is probably my best feature and I'm just kind of sick of its length and the problem of trying to take care of it all the time. 

Not only that but I have more split ends than a dying, malnourished kid in Africa (Not to make any political drabble). 

I just feel really depressed with low self-esteem. The only time I can really look in the mirror and feel beautiful is right after I exersize, but maybe it's because I'm too fatigued to look in the mirror properly?

I dunno. I wish I looked more like... Utada-sama or Nana Kitade. they're both so pretty! Oh, and maybe Mika Nakashima and Yuna Ito, but not Ayumi Hamasaki. She's a slut. 

But I guess it's all airbrushed, right? And that I'm beautiful naturally?

I'm not sure. But I do kind of look like Utada-sama on the cover of Ultra Blue ^^; Maybe that's just my opinion.

List of things I want to change and can change

• Skin color. I want to be paler, so I'll stay inside more often and maybe use some of that weird cream that removes skin pigment? (It sounds kind of unhealthy...)
• Eye color. I could wear contacts, but I'm not sure what color eyes I'd want. I'd probably end up with theatrical contacts because I've got typical asian eyes that are basically black, so normal contacts wouldn't work so well.
•  Waist size. I should exersize more. I already have a 26" waist, but I'm aiming for at LEAST 25.5" if I get any thinner than that, then I'll be ecstatic.
• Thigh thickness. I was really scared. I measured the widest part of my thighs and I found out they're only like... 4" short of being my waist size!!!! AHHH! I need to exersize more! *Watches Sailor Moon episodes 3-6*
• Body hair ratio. My arms are sooo disgustingly hairy. And I have DARK hair, so the only way to hide it is long sleeves. *cries* I don't know whether to shave it off or take a few years to pluck it, but it's so ugly!!!!
• Wardrobe. I'm not going to change my all-black wardrobe I wear constantly, but I might want to go DIY punk or I've been considering goth/punk/wa-loli. I'm not sure which one though. Ero-loli? (j/k. me in revealing outfits = eye-bleedage)
• Butt size. Eww! Even if I tense the muscles, it still manages to jiggle! But hey, at least it's more healthy looking that Beyonce or Shakira *just watched Beautiful Liar on MTV* When they jiggle, it's really creepy. *goes to exersize*
  
  Things I wouldn't change about myself (for a self-confidence boost)
  
• My hair. It's long, silky, black and shiny.
• My foot size. Sure, I only wear a size 5 womens, but it's a memorable feature and everyone has something to say about them.
• My chest. There's something comforting about having a 34" chest that makes me feel better. Not like I show it off constantly. I usually hide it under a really baggy sweatshirt, really. But it's kind of like... a baby blanket that you keep for comfort that you're too embarassed to drag around in public. (lol. What a weird simile)
• My calves. They're really nice and to proportion and the easiest part of my leg to shave. If only everything ABOVE the knee was so smooth and pretty. -.-;
• My personality. Of course, I'm mean, sarcastic, bitchy and cynic with a blunt and pessimistic sense of humor, but acting that way has gotten me some really close friends and some great enemies and rivals who constantly inspire me to become better than they are! Yosh! I'll kill them! *The power of youth compels me*
• My sense of fashion. Seriously. I think one of my best features is my modesty. Now that it's hot outside, the girls at school are starting to dress all slutty and it's really gross. Especially since some of them can't pull it off. It's also kind of sad that they think they NEED to show that much skin for attention.
• My self-confidence in things other than my body. I know that every day, I can walk into class and pass every test thrown at me. I know that every day, I can piss off every prep with a few sentences.
• My voice. Some people think I sound annoying when I talk (And I do kind of), but I think I sound good when I sing. I'm not saying American Idol good, but good for someone born with no real latent abilites.
• My ability to draw. I could be better, but I mean, I'm still pretty good.

That's really it. Now that I feel a bit better, there's nothing that can stop me. 

Lol. I love Shin-chan. *Watching it now*